I can't believe that a year has gone by since I heard those three little words, "you have cancer". It happened just prior to the holidays last year and here we are again in the thick of things. I can't say I feel like my old self again, actually I feel in many ways better. Gone is the doubt and fear that I carried around with me before. Looking back, I think that I was in the beginning of a mid-life crisis prior to my diagnosis. Nothing like a little cancer scare to get you out of that!
The fear is gone from my partner Ken's eyes as we both look to the future. He even joked a couple of nights ago that the world was supposed to end in one year on December 21st (if you believe in the Mayan Calender myth). He quickly stated that that wasn't going to happen though. He was pretty sure God saved me for a reason and a year didn't seem long enough for that reason to reveal itself. I like his way of looking at things! I wonder about how the people that have bought into this myth will react when they wake up to the world on December 22nd 2012. Will we be brave enough to face the future and make this a better planet? Will it feel, at least for some, like a second chance? I hope so!
I am already living my second chance today. Cleaning, decorating and cooking for the Christmas meal that will be shared with family and friends. Looking forward to the new year. Planning on going back to work and discovering my purpose. When you have faced with feels like death, life become so much more intense and pleasurable. My dog tripped me in the kitchen this morning and I ruined a cheesecake. The funny part was as I was leaning up against the cabinets covered in cake my dog was gleefully cleaning the floor! I couldn't help but laugh. So I have to make another cheesecake, I'll never have another moment like that one.
If there is one thing I have learned this year it is to appreciate the moment. There is very little bad, when we really think about it and if you just change your perspective, you will see that there is an amazing amount of good!
Merry Christmas to all and warm wishes for a wonderful New Years!
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
everything is great and then...
Almost every cancer survivor knows about this one. You are doing great and then suddenly your not. I'm not speaking just of one's own health, it could be anything. In reality it is just life, but after the scare of the big "C", everything can seem a little fragile.
For me it was numerous things, a family member had a cancer scare, one of my dogs had a cancer scare, the EDD messed up my disability payments and I started getting back to back chest colds. That's a lot for a six week period! The reality is though is that is just life. Somewhere there is always someone going through a cancer scare, even if you don't know them it is happening. Somewhere there is a sick dog, it may not be yours, but they are out there and of course the government is going to mess things up so I don't know why I'm in shock over my disability. And of course, we all get sick from time to time. The events just came in such close proximity of each other it felt overwhelming!
My dog Ginger had had surgery on her leg just 3 weeks prior, I was feeling a little guilty for giving her all the attention so I made a point of spending time with each of my three dogs (and thank God I did). I was rubbing our Pug, Basil's chest when I felt a lump. It felt fatty and pebbly all at the same time, That can't be good, I thought. As it turned out it wasn't, almost at the same time, I was informed that a family member (I am being vague here intentionally, don't ask, I won't say who) had found a lump. I prayed, went to mass and light candles (which is sort of funny as I am not Catholic, but it sure makes me feel better) and spent some serious time on my knees talking to God! Both biopsies were due back the same day. I got the first news from my vet, Basil had a benign tumor but they wanted to remove it at once. Thank you God! She was scheduled for surgery the following day. I waited hours to hear back from family. The call never came, so I finally picked up the phone and was delighted to hear that it was more good news. No surgery involved there. God had indeed answered my prayers. The weird thing though, was that after hearing that Basil's tumor was benign, I began to fret. Would only half of my prayers be answered? Would God randomly pick and choose like that? After it was all over and the fear and shock had worn off, I realized that I was being a dumb ass. God's love is infinite! All things are possible. God doesn't give with one hand and take with the other. Even if the news wouldn't have been so great it wouldn't be because God is not wonderful, kind and loving. It would be because there are health issues in the world. Period.
Also, God didn't screw with the computer system at the EDD because I failed to thank him for giving me disability. Sometimes things don't work the way they are supposed to. And no God was not giving me a six pack of chest colds because he had healed me of cancer (with the help of my surgeon, radiation and chemotherapy). My chest colds as it turned out were a symptom of my immune system being down as a result of radiation and chemotherapy. The answer was starting an antibiotic three days a week. Already things are much better.
Ginger's scar is practically invisible and she is starting to put pressure onto the leg that was operated on. Basil's stomach is healing even though it looks like frankentummy (they found an extra mass that was removed) so she is on the mend. Somewhere in the world is a special family member who is probably even happier than I am at the good news and hopefully within our local government someone is correcting the problem with my pay. My glass is once again full and I have learned an important lesson. Life never stops just because I had cancer. It goes on and on because that is the nature of life. We are so fortunate to be granted life in the first place and have to remember to take the bad with the good and somehow learn to be grateful for both. Every moment can be exquisite when we are grateful for them.
For me it was numerous things, a family member had a cancer scare, one of my dogs had a cancer scare, the EDD messed up my disability payments and I started getting back to back chest colds. That's a lot for a six week period! The reality is though is that is just life. Somewhere there is always someone going through a cancer scare, even if you don't know them it is happening. Somewhere there is a sick dog, it may not be yours, but they are out there and of course the government is going to mess things up so I don't know why I'm in shock over my disability. And of course, we all get sick from time to time. The events just came in such close proximity of each other it felt overwhelming!
My dog Ginger had had surgery on her leg just 3 weeks prior, I was feeling a little guilty for giving her all the attention so I made a point of spending time with each of my three dogs (and thank God I did). I was rubbing our Pug, Basil's chest when I felt a lump. It felt fatty and pebbly all at the same time, That can't be good, I thought. As it turned out it wasn't, almost at the same time, I was informed that a family member (I am being vague here intentionally, don't ask, I won't say who) had found a lump. I prayed, went to mass and light candles (which is sort of funny as I am not Catholic, but it sure makes me feel better) and spent some serious time on my knees talking to God! Both biopsies were due back the same day. I got the first news from my vet, Basil had a benign tumor but they wanted to remove it at once. Thank you God! She was scheduled for surgery the following day. I waited hours to hear back from family. The call never came, so I finally picked up the phone and was delighted to hear that it was more good news. No surgery involved there. God had indeed answered my prayers. The weird thing though, was that after hearing that Basil's tumor was benign, I began to fret. Would only half of my prayers be answered? Would God randomly pick and choose like that? After it was all over and the fear and shock had worn off, I realized that I was being a dumb ass. God's love is infinite! All things are possible. God doesn't give with one hand and take with the other. Even if the news wouldn't have been so great it wouldn't be because God is not wonderful, kind and loving. It would be because there are health issues in the world. Period.
Also, God didn't screw with the computer system at the EDD because I failed to thank him for giving me disability. Sometimes things don't work the way they are supposed to. And no God was not giving me a six pack of chest colds because he had healed me of cancer (with the help of my surgeon, radiation and chemotherapy). My chest colds as it turned out were a symptom of my immune system being down as a result of radiation and chemotherapy. The answer was starting an antibiotic three days a week. Already things are much better.
Ginger's scar is practically invisible and she is starting to put pressure onto the leg that was operated on. Basil's stomach is healing even though it looks like frankentummy (they found an extra mass that was removed) so she is on the mend. Somewhere in the world is a special family member who is probably even happier than I am at the good news and hopefully within our local government someone is correcting the problem with my pay. My glass is once again full and I have learned an important lesson. Life never stops just because I had cancer. It goes on and on because that is the nature of life. We are so fortunate to be granted life in the first place and have to remember to take the bad with the good and somehow learn to be grateful for both. Every moment can be exquisite when we are grateful for them.
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