Monday, June 13, 2011

As the days pass

Things always become easier as the days pass. Ken had taken last week off to attend all of my doctors appointments. In the end we ended up loosing Noir, one of our pugs. Watching Ken in pain over the loss of his first pet has been hard. He started to make 3 dog treats yesterday morning and then broke down. Oddly the other two dogs don't really seem to care much. Noir was always the outsider to them, but we expected something.

One thing that dealing with Noir did was take my mind off of the painful news that I may need additional plastic surgery to repair my neck. This information was followed up by my cancer surgeon who informed me that surgery to the radiation site was not advisable because radiation decreases blood flow and things don't always heal properly. My surgeon explained that his number one purpose was to extend the life of the patient, not give them a perfect face. I pondered that for awhile. What about patients who want a perfect face? What if this were happening to an actor who needed to keep his looks for his career? Ultimately most of my thoughts this week have been of Noir. And for that I am grateful.

As Ken returned to work this morning and another day passes, everything is better. For some reason I'm not so concerned about how I look right now. It's not like I'm hideously disfigured, I just have a thicker neck and look a little older than I did when getting my diagnosis. But then in some ways I feel older too. Not in a bad way, maybe in a wiser way. There is an old saying that time heals all wounds. I know it to be true. Eventually the pain of the loss of our dog will diminish. Eventually I will look in the mirror and feel normal. Eventually I won't "feel" my tongue every waking moment. As for my sexy by fifty plan, it's still in place. Sexy is a state of being, I just have to allow myself to feel that way. I need to strip myself of the current set of rules of what sexy is and do some editing.

Out of this journey has come the understanding of how significant my relationship with Ken is. How the depth of our feelings reaches out to include our friends and family. I am part of a couple in a way that I have never been before. In a way that is about caring and nurturing. And it being two guys there is plenty of picking on and making fun of as well. It wasn't until faced with cancer and possible death that I came to feel safe, but I do today. For the first time in my life I feel safe. How many days had to pass before I realized that?

Friday, June 10, 2011

Thanks for the Love!

10 Years ago there was a knock on the door late on a week night. Our neighbor who did dog rescue had just found a dog that she believed to be a pug mix and since Ken and I had a pug, she was wondering if we would be willing to foster the dog. The next day she brought her over and we agreed to become her foster dads. Just a week later, she had stolen our hearts and even though her presence in the house really seemed to irritate our pug Basil, we decided to adopt her. We named her Noir. She was nothing like any dog I had ever had before. Kenny was new to dogs, he inherited Freddy, our Yorkie when he moved in with me and together we found and adopted Basil to be Freddy's companion so he wouldn't have to spend his days alone.

Noir was "street smart". She would eat anything. That's great if your feeding a dog. It is not so great when your walking them. Rocks, berries, anything that she could grab she did. She even dug up and ate a goldfish we had when he died (If you follow this
blog, yes it was Tokyo). The thing about her, though was her happiness. Always a joy. Always ready to wash your face. For 10 years we had the gift of this little girl. Even though our other two dogs are not affectionate with us, it never stopped her. She was always too happy to dispense kisses or cuddle on our laps. She was louder than the other dogs as well. Always rejoicing in our return home and when we made them special treats she had a bark that could spit your ear drum.Then this past Sunday night she couldn't sleep and finally messed on the bed. We put her out and by the next morning she had diarrhea. That got worse and we took her to the vet. This morning she passed away. She died as quickly as she came into our lives. It was a shock to suddenly have a third dog and now it is a shock to not have this quirky little soul around the house.

When the vet called Ken was in the shower, I got the new and entered the bathroom crying. I could hear Ken start and opened the shower curtain. We just held each other, not caring that I was getting soaked. Nothing in that moment seemed to matter. Ken is my rock but seeing him vulnerable in that moment, I know that I had never loved him more.

The vet mentioned that he suspected that Noir had had cancer. It has me thinking about animals and humans and my beliefs regarding disease. I have always believed that my cancer was a manifestation of my thoughts. What about our pets who have cancer? Could it be the same for them? Do some animals cure themselves through the power of positive thinking and others do not? One thing for certain, I am glad that Noir did not suffer. Her decline was so sudden. To sudden for me to wrap my head around. We drove down to the vets office to say our final good byes before they cremated her. She seemed like she was still alive just laying there with the two of us blubbering over her. Kahil Gibran in the profit says "Love knows not it's own depth until the hour of separation". Once again I find the truth and and beauty in his words. I had no idea how I had grown to love Noir over the last 10 years. Freddy and Basil always seem to take center stage in our house. Ken has lost his running buddy, we both have lost our foot warmer and even greater we have lost an amazing dog that had so much life and joy in her it seems impossible that she could be gone.

Noir, thank you for choosing to love us and share your time here on earth with us. Kenny used to say that in spite of everything you really were the best dog and he is, once again, right.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

It's time again

This is one of those weeks where I have several doctors appointments. Yesterday I saw my plastic surgeon (he created the prosthetic tongue), Today I see my regular surgeon (he removed the tumor, which happened to be connected to half of my tongue) and Thursday I see my dentist.

From the standpoint of the doctors all of the news will most likely be of a positive variety. (I'm just there to check on the progress of my healing). That of course is there stand point. I finally pushed my plastic surgeon into telling me exactly how much difference I could expect in my tongue and found out it is pretty much where it will be. That was not good news for me. I work with the public and returning to the workplace will demand that I speak clearly. Currently I sound like my mouth is full of food (which only comes in handy at dinnertime, because I can eat and talk and no one notices the difference). This means that I will be spending quite some time with the speech therapist.

Secondly I asked about the incision on my neck as well as the hardining of the muscles below. I was told it had healed nicely. Really? I was told by my surgeon that there would only be a small natural looking crease on my neck. In reality I have a big flap of skin hanging over the incision site. From the front it doesn't look so bad but from the side it ages my by about 15 years. I know the argument: Ran, you should be glad to be alive! I am glad to be alive, but just like thousands of people I want to be alive and look younger than my chronological age! I was told that in four to six months if it doesn't improve I could have plastic surgery to remove excess skin and fat. That is not the news I wanted. I didn't have excess skin and fat going into this and want the results I was promised. While venting to my acupuncturist yesterday regarding all of this, she reminded me that she does "cosmetic acupuncture". (Not as intense as a face lift, but shows results in the re firming of skin and collegian production). She needled my face for me. I looked at it this morning and couldn't believe the results. The flap had indeed shifted. There is still some swelling, but the results defiantly show. I may not need to get a nip and tuck after all!

Finally, tomorrow, I see my dentist to have the bridge created. (If you have been reading the blog for awhile you may recall I had to have four bottom front teeth pulled due to bone loss and the risk of radiation). That will finally be corrected, which I am hoping will help a lot with my speech. The bottom line is this. There will always be good and bad days for all of us. Cancer has nothing to do with that, although, any cancer patient can tell you they have had their share of bad days. But if you look there is still beauty and miracles all around us. This week it came from my acupuncturist and of course my life partner who took most of the week off to be at all of my doctors appointments. Ken may not be great at cleaning the bathroom, but he is one heck of a caretaker! (not a bad trade off! especially considering that I had cancer and really needed to be taken care of).

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Every Level Seeks it's Own

I have heard that statement for years and see it in action all of the time these days. This morning on my coffee run, I saw a young girl with long blue hair pushing a shopping cart in the center where the local Starbucks resides. She had on a black skirt with white dots and immediately reminded me of the young kids that you see all over New Orleans, dirty but with an interesting sense of style that belongs only to the Crescent City. My heart has always gone out to those kids, but for some reason BC (before cancer) Ran has always held a huge judgement of them out here on this coast. I grabbed my latte and headed back out to my truck in time to see that she had met up with a young man I am assuming to be her boyfriend as she was holding his had. After a moment it was clear that she was actually helping him "shoot up". While this act is sad and my heart bleeds for young addicts, I saw for the first time a since of beauty in their act. Her helping him. Them in this thing together. I said a silent prayer for them and drove home giving thanks for my own relationship all of the way. Going through cancer has been the hardest challenge of my life and I am blessed that I did not do it alone.

Yesterday, Ken and I did our annual volunteer day together for the Long Beach AIDS Walk. It has been a financially very difficult year for the foundation and it's Director Gary Bowie had been concerned about having to either shut the doors after the walk due to a lack of earlier participation. This year at the last minute people started signing up and by close of online sign ups we had raised over 60,000 and raised an additional 20,000 at the walk. I know my heart swell when listing to the numbers yesterday. Our level sought itself out and as always came thru.

I see the love of people coming together to help one another everywhere. Couples shopping together, watching neighbors help each other pull in trash cans. On youtube.com you can see the "It Gets Better" project video's aimed at bullied youth. Our world is full of love and the evidence of it surrounds us. Maybe if we would turn off the news, open our hearts and take a walk we would all find it. Watching the world without judgement has helped me see it. Even when Ken and I argue (we are still far from being a perfect couple), I know that there is love there. Telling your partner what you need even with your voice raised is a statement that you wish to remain in the love. (I have to remind myself of that when I want to bat him upside of the head, which, I have never done. I did drive over his foot once, but that was purely by accident and is the subject for another time).